I feel really really bad. My inbox has piled up with 62 emails and AOL’s starting to delete some of them again. I hate it when that happens. I get sick, emails pile up because I’m not conscious enough to answer them, then those poor people think I’m ignoring them. I hate this, it makes me feel all bad. Like I lost one email from a very nice man sending me a picture of Antoine de Saint-Exupery for Calculo because he said I accidentally posted a picture of someone else in Antoine’s place. It was very sweet of him, and now I don’t even get to thank him *and* I lost the picture. So, Mr. Picture Man, if you read this, I’m really really sorry and I feel awful about it.
To everyone else, I’m really sorry I haven’t gotten to reply to you yet. There’s just something that happens to my brain when I get sick for an extended period of time. For the past two months I’ve been trying so hard to reply to them. I always end up staring, literally, at a blank reply email for an hour, wondering what to say. I question everything I write, wonder if it’s enough or too much. And when I do end up sending one it’s usually so full of errors that I end up getting embarrassed.
How is blogging different? I’m not responding to anyone, I don’t really go into blog writing horribly intent on making any sense. Which is why I’m surprised anyone actually reads this thing. Blogs just come pouring out. I can’t do that with email replies. Well, with most email replies anyway. There are a few friends who I manage to reply to regularly, but that’s only because I don’t feel any obligation to make sense. Why that is, I have no idea. Some people I just don’t think will mind if I babble, or maybe I think they’ll understand what I’m trying to say anyway.
It’s all pretty distressing. I wish I had a secretary on hand to so I could dictate emails, so I wouldn’t actually have to look at the imposing white canvas, waiting for words to be put on it. I can’t do it when I’m sick. Symptoms from my brain infection come back and I get all tongue-tied, even in writing. Especially now, since this cold has changed shape so many times I don’t even think it’s a cold anymore. It just is.
Anyway. Back to my point. If you’ve emailed me and I haven’t responded, I’m really sorry. Like you wonderful people who took the time and effort to email me when I made that request so long ago to let me know who you are, you people who read my blog. I feel bad that I haven’t responded to yours, but I’ve lost what to say. I’ve lost any sense of correspondence, I suppose. I’ll try my hardest to get to it, I promise. But my brain’s somewhere else, I think.
Right now I don’t know where it is. About 15 minutes ago I wanted to work on an english tutorial I’ve been planning on writing for the Daily Prophet staff, but I bet you can guess how well that went. Now I’m just kinda babbling, not thinking about anything in particular, trying to delay going to bed. It hurts to go to bed, isn’t that sad? This cold has turned into body aches. My brother said it might be growing pains, but I don’t know. It’s been going on an awful long time, and it’s slowly getting worse. Like last night. I rolled over onto my side and it hurt so bad it woke me up. Like someone had stabbed me in the hip, then the pain shot up my back. I feel like such an old person, a wobbly 80 year old woman with gray hair and a walker. I think I need to go to the doctor. Only thing is, I’m kind of afraid of what kind of tests they’ll have to do. I know some icky tests are on the horizon for my ulcerative colitis, I’m not sure I want to add to it. I don’t need another bone scan right now.
This is getting too depressing and I didn’t mean it to be, so I think I’ll change the subject.
Good news on the decorating front – I managed to wobble back to the hardware store where I bought the paint for the basement. They took it back, no questions asked. I said it was too purple, they said, “okay,” and I got $71.00 back. I decided, for how expensive it was, the paint was really crappy quality too, so I didn’t want them to just remix it. So my Dad and I went back to Lowe’s (thanks to Californian Sam for the proper spelling of this – told you, my brain goes nuts when I get sick and I can’t spell stuff) and my Dad happened to spot the perfect colors. They were a bit more blue and a bit less gray. In other words, perfect. The paint’s a better brand, and yet it was the same price as the runny purple stuff. If I’m not all wobbly and old tomorrow I’ll start painting. If I am, I’ll finish up the curtains. The basement’s gonna rule.
Oh, and I took pictures of the basement all empty this morning. So, the Before pictures are ready. I’ll try to post them tomorrow, if I remember.
I’m off to try and sleep now. Good night!