Before I get to the topic of today’s blog entry, I need to post something before I forget about it again for the umpteenth time. I’ve been doing a lot of work over the past month on the Heather Show CafePress store, and I wanted to announce something new that I’m very, very proud of. It’s the brand new 2005 Heather Show Bombshells calendar. Now, before you all start thinking this nice little Mormon girl has lost her mind, it’s not what it sounds like exactly. 🙂 Rather, it’s full of the lovely silhouette designs found throughout the site, and it features words of wisdom from (in)famous bombshells. Marilyn Monroe, Sophia Loren, Edith Head, Elizabeth Taylor, they’re all there. It’s sassy, it’s brassy, it’s a calender hum-dinger! You know you want it. Please take a look and let me know what you think. And of course, if you buy one, I’ll love you forever.
Which leads me to the topic of today’s blog. Love. It’s awfully complicated. Women play games, men can have one-track minds; women can be manipulative, men can keep their feelings bottled up. And vice versa in every instance. But the more I see love, the more I experience it, the more I realize it really doesn’t have to be that complicated. That is, if people would quit being silly about it.
What brought this on? Am I in love? As far as I know, not at the moment. But over the past few months, quite a few of my friends have been getting engaged. The most recent friend to pop the question ended up popping the question to another friend of mine.
These two friends – let’s call them Joe and Lisa – have known each other longer than they’ve known me, but apparently this whole lovey-dovey stuff is relatively new. I can’t help but wonder, though, did Joe love Lisa long before this officially started? Was he too afraid to say anything, thus delaying the ‘them’ scenario? Did he have to spend all those years working up the courage to even hold her hand?
I asked one of my trusted male friends about this, but it didn’t help me understand it. While I understand the whole fear of rejection thing, I guess it’s just not in my nature. For as long as I can remember I’ve been far more afraid of living my life with the question, “what if?” It’s pretty much the root of everything I ever do – what if I’d never started the Daily Prophet? What if I’d never had the guts to email a random television producer about an idea I had? What if I’d never investigated the possibility of driving with the Ferrari Challenge? Do you see a pattern here?
I’m so afraid of regrets that I give no thought to rejection. I’ve been rejected a lot in my various pursuits, but I don’t see it as a failure. In a way, it’s a triumph. I worked up the guts to approach someone, I presented my case, I stood up for myself, and I took a risk. It took courage, confidence, and poise. With each rejection, I developed those attributes, which serve me well when I get more positive responses to my proposals. Without those rejections there’s no way I’d be where I am today, doing what I’m doing, and having so much fun with it. If I lived my life dreaming elaborate dreams, but never took that leap of faith in asking, I would never accomplish anything. Then I would be a failure, because I never tried. Every rejection is proof that I tried, and I’m proud of that.
Sure, love isn’t exactly the same. It’s emotional and monumental, but in the end, the reward of confession can be so great that it surely must be worth the risk. There are certain situations where it might be inappropriate or disrespectful to confess your feelings, of course. But like Joe and Lisa, what would have happened if Joe had worked up the courage to hold Lisa’s hand a year ago? Heck, they could be married by now. Love could have been a lot more simple, and a lot less agonizing for Joe as he struggled with his fear of rejection.
I’ve heard some concerns that maybe people don’t confess their feelings for fear they’ll ‘harm the friendship.’ Out of the few times a friend has told me they loved me, that confession has never once harmed my friendship with them (subsequent behavior has on a few occasions, but that’s not related to the confession itself). I guess it depends on the friendship, and most importantly, how those feelings are confessed.
I guess what I’m getting at is, life is too short to bottle things up. The longer you keep it hidden, your heart may become overly attached, thus making any potential rejection that much more painful. And with that painful of a rejection, that may damage the friendship more than any initial confession would have. What if by waiting you’re delaying happiness? Or, if you do get rejected, maybe all that time spent focusing on one pursuit kept you from noticing another golden opportunity. Open your mouth, send a definitive signal. You’ll either find happiness, or you’ll just get it over with. That way you’ll never have to ask yourself, what if I hadn’t waited? What if I had only told them how I really feel?
I know that’s easier said than done, but seriously, life is full of surprises. Some are beautiful, but some of them aren’t as pleasant as others. Who knows what will happen tomorrow, so take advantage of today and don’t miss out on something that could bring you such happiness. Don’t ever be afraid to say I love you.
I like to have no regrets also, though I don’t think it’s as simple as you imply. I’ve lost some very good female friends when they found out I was interested in being more than friends. I’ve seen the same happen to others. I’ve fallen into the trap a number of times where I think a girl is too nice or too cool to turn into an ice queen and I’ve been proven wrong every time. Sad but true.
Cameron – I figured some women may not react too well, but wow. I guess I have a hard time understanding how they could be that cold. I’ve always been deeply flattered when some guy says such things about me. Women are weird.
In responce to Cameron’s comment, maybe the ladies act different/seem cold because they don’t want to lead you on, once they are aware of your true feelings. Also, if the same thing keeps happening to you over and over again you should think about your approach. Maybe it is the right approach and you will be rewarded one day with great love. But maybe it is the wrong approach. I am just saying think about it.
Funny, I’ve had the opposite experience. With the exception of my lovely wife, most of the times I DID confess my feelings or act on them, I wound up regretting it. Um, and that’s different from the first guy, cause I selectively did this and was rewarded with reciprocated feelings and the kissing stuff and whatnot. Um, then I would regret it, you see. Maybe not then, but soon and for the rest of my life. Oh why, why did I ever date Gwen? Kevin knows what I’m talking about…and a few others I won’t, and he shouldn’t, mention here.
July is the cutest of the silhouettes – ur a fine artist Heather
Timothy – Thanks, but the silhouettes were created by my lovely and talented brother Steven. I put the rest of the design together, but I can’t claim the lady artwork. 🙂
Wow. This topic hits way too close to home for me. I won’t go into detail; Heather knows as much as is needed. The point is that I frequently hold back telling my feelings to girls I’m interested in because the track record is such that whenever I *do* tell a girl, she runs away screaming. I guess in some sick and twisted way, not telling a girl that I’m interested allows me to prolong my relationship with her… even though it just drives me nuts because it’s not the relationship I want it to be.
Recently I posted such a situation on my own blog; several readers commented that I should, in fact, tell the girl, rather than be left to wonder. I did, she ran.
I admire people who can be so open and honest with their feelings. I want to be that way. Really I do. Ahh, love. Yuck.
The lips are the stalwart guardians of the heart. They form a fortress that protects their watch from the designs of its own making. The mouth knows that feelings are quiet, secret affairs and should never be let fly. Rather they should be constrained till they rest in a grave with their owner when the time of his being is laid bare at the end of his corporal days. Love is the destroyer, shattering heart and hearth. The soul stretches toward love’s gilded fang, but the bitter bite leaves a hole which no salve can heal.
Or not
Jen,thanks for the thoughts. I think my approach is fine. I knew this one girl for a whole week and when I saw here at the cafeteria, I simply got down on one knee and asked her to marry me. I even had a ring – albeit an onion ring. She screamed. She ran.
Ok, I kid, but it’s very possible my approach is wrong. Maybe I’ll try something different next time, like use french fries instead of onion rings.
Good post and excellent thoughts 😉
Hi Heather….
my name is anders, I live near Toledo.
I ran across this on the Web (where else???); I hope you get a chance to read it & share…it’s the “Love Recipe” found at smartmarriages.com
This is a GREAT org that is dedicated to making peoples relationships happy, successful, and long lasting! ENJOY!
The Love Recipe
DR. PAT LOVE reveals 10 amazing ways to
keep your relationship cooking.
What does Dr. Pat Love know about making love last? As the author of “booklist.html”, it’s her business to know how to succeed at maintaining a strong relationship. That’s why we asked her to unlock the key ways to preserve your love affair after you’re named husband and wife. Here are Dr. Love’s 10 strategies to keeping your union vibrant and steamy—long after the honeymoon is over.
1 PLAY UP THE POSITIVE
Always look for the best in your partner. It takes a genuine effort to keep criticism, withdrawal, defensiveness and contempt out of your relationship, but it makes a big difference. The newest research on extramarital affairs points out that the cause is not sex or excitement. It usually stems from someone outside the marriage taking the time to make them feel wonderful, giving them genuine compliments or displaying a good attitude toward gestures they have made. Positive attention is an incredibly alluring aphrodisiac. If you have a negative attitude, studies show that you’ll have a slim chance of holding on to that relationship.
2 IT’S THE RELATIONSHIP STUPID
Smart couples make this statement a daily mantra. It’s really about making room for “the relationship” as the third component to what you might have thought only consisted of two parts, you and him. Let’s say you have a big decision to make and you’re really torn up about it. You should stop, take a deep breath and consider how it will affect your relationship. It can be hard because your first impulse is to think about how it will change your life right now. But the real question to ask yourself is: what is best for our union? When you and your partner are in conflict, step back and shift the way you both approach the issue. You want to resolve it based on how it will influence that entity—the relationship—first, even if it means you’ll be personally disappointed at that particular moment.
3 VIVE LA DIFFERENCE
Women are especially guilty of expecting men to be exactly like them. But couples need to accept that it’s actually your differences that will maintain the passion in your marriage. In the beginning, you’re often attracted to your similarities, but as the relationship grows, it will be the contrasts that keep it interesting. Sure, it will challenge a couple, and ultimately force them to respond to each other in new ways, but it’s good to remember that humans are always in a state of flux, with things changing all the time. The more prepared you both are for adjustments, the smoother the ride will be.
4 GOOOAAAAALLL!
People have no problem setting goals for themselves in their work life, with weight loss and fitness, and their financial status. Use rituals like anniversaries or New Year’s Eve to sit down and talk about relationship goals for the year. Dr. Love even has friends who renew their marriage contract every year after they’ve discussed their hopes for the coming year. Target simple things like being kinder to one another; a more attentive lover; or turning off the TV once a week to spend time talking to each other about the things you never have enough time to share. Then, as with any other goal you’ve reached: Make sure to celebrate your achievements.
5 FAIR PLAY: THE ULTIMATE FOREPLAY
Tit-for-tat is no way to keep a marriage strong. Emphasize equity, not equality, in your relationship, because it promotes all-around fairness and prevents scorekeeping. If you’re constantly nit-picking and keeping track of who gets what, you’re probably not looking at the big picture, which is about evenhandedness, not hardheadedness.
6 PUT A KABASH ON THE COFFEEE KLATCH
Women are often guilty of turning to their female friends for support, leaving their husbands missing out on their important feelings. When the shared intimacy that this dialogue can produce is directed outside the marriage, it’s almost a sort of infidelity. Sharing those deepest thoughts, dreams and ambition should belong solely inside the marriage. Keep some things just between you and your partner. There is a great amount of pride in a relationship when two partners resolve an issue in privacy, on their own.
7 FRIENDS DON’T LET FRIENDS DISAPPROVE OF THEIR MARRIAGE
Hang around with other couples who support your marriage. This means finding couples that you know are happy in their relationship and happy themselves. These couples are good role models, and set a good example of how you two should treat each other. Couples who are having difficulty will undercut your relationship, and marriage in general, often without realizing it. And it’s really easy to start behaving badly when other people around you are behaving badly. Rather, you want to surround yourself with friends who support the institution of marriage and truly believe in you as a couple.
8 THE TOUCHY-FEELY FACTOR
There’s no better proof of your love than displaying it in tangible ways. Happy, stable couples show their love on a regular basis with many acts of kindness each day. It’s the little gestures that go a long way. You should both ask yourself: Do I smile at him? Do I offer him coffee when I pour myself a cup? Do I cook her dinner when I know she’s had a really long day? Do I take the dog for a long walk so she can have some time to herself? This will nourish the love between you, showing your partner how much you care.
9 LONG LIVE PASSION!
(and we don’t mean sex) Whether it’s about fly-fishing, golf, music or sex, it’s vital to accept what your partner is passionate about in life. It’s also crucial to encourage him to keep up those favorite pastimes—and for you to try and share in that interest. Research shows that couples who make sacrifices for each other’s kicks in life have the stronger relationships. So make sure you’re open about your own irresistible urges in life because, psst, passion is contagious. When one partner gets revved up about something, it often gets passed along.
10 BENEVOLENCE IS BEAUTIFUL
Do you really know what he or she wants in life? To know the answer is a key to a successful union. It’s easy to project your own ideas of what you like onto your mate, but that’s missing the point. If you really want to make your partner happy, take the time to discover the little thing that will make them happy and then give it. It makes a person feel loved and appreciated, letting them know you truly understand what they desire. Think like a detective in your relationship and learn what makes your partner tick. Figuratively or literally, wrap it up in a pretty bow and give it as a gift.
Summer 2003 Elegant Bride—as told by Dr. Pat Love to Kimberly Stevens