For the past 19 years I have been believing a fallacy! Can you believe it? All these years, and I’ve had it completely wrong. Will my life ever be the same? How does one even begin to pick up the pieces?

    I must have been in hundreds of Chinese restaurants, across two continents, and not once was I told the truth. Oh how those red paper placemats lie! They tell you about the Chinese Zodiac, they print out the twelve animals, they give you the years… but they forget one all important fact: Chinese New Year. Does it tell you that Chinese New Year isn’t on a set date, that it’s part of the lunar cycle and thus changes every year? Does it tell you when Chinese New Year was when you were born!? Of course not! It leaves us January and February babies in confusion and disarray! It lets us live a lie…

    All this time I thought I was an Ox, and while that seemed to fit in some ways, it was completely wrong in others. “Serious in life”? Determined, strong, and enduring, yes, but serious?! Goodness no! What the crap kind of zodiac was this?!

    Last week the frailty of this scandal became clear in my mind’s eye. I remembered the glowing lights at the Bellagio when I went to Las Vegas for my 18th birthday. Everyone was eagerly anticipating the Chinese New Year… on February 18th. Ten whole days after my birthday!

    I scrambled to Google. It may have taken a while to find, but thanks to Ms. Lau I was able to uncover the truth. In 1985 Chinese New Year fell on the twentieth of February, twelve days after my birth! According to the Chinese, I’m a child of 1984! What do I make of myself now!? Does this mean if I were Chinese, I’d be twenty already?

    And the most burning question of all, does this mean my friendly wandering neighborhood Chinese Grandpa has been trying to tell me the truth all this time?

    Oh the confusion, oh the pain! You’d think that with this discovery I’d at least be blessed with a cuter animal zodiac than an Ox, but what am I stuck with? A rat! I’m a dirty rat! At least the zodiac’s a little closer to the true me, although still not spot on. I’m talkative, a social climber, writer, critic, clever, curious, and an insomniac. But a rat?! And I thought being an Ox was bad… Couldn’t they have just made me a pretty horsey or a tiger or something?

    Ah well, at least I can take solace in the fact that I think zodiacs are a load of tosh anyway. But hey, seriously, does this mean I’m twenty already in China? If so, then hey, I missed a year of presents people! I feel so cheated… So pass the fortune cookies and mongolian beef, I’m twenty-one! Way-hey!