So I can’t sleep. I tried. It didn’t work. This damn introspection won’t stop. Stupid traditions. And the ADHD from the ritalin is just making the introspection faster and thus I can cram in more depressing thoughts in less time. But I’ve come to a conclusion.

    I am so tired of watching life go by. I’m watching from the sidelines as so many of my friends are going out into the world, accomplishing great things. And where am I? Still in bed. Still sick. Still fighting. Still losing. Everything that I did was ages ago. A lifetime ago. I’m not happy with that. I can’t stand that. I do not like that I’m a has been at 23. I don’t like that I’ve been forced to retire. And I hate that nothing will ever be the same. This will never change. It may get slightly better, but only if I’m lucky. I could fight if I knew there was something to fight for. But this? It never changes. There’s no way to fix it, there’s no way to make it better. It just is.

    There is no such thing as hell; limbo is so much worse. It’s as bad as it gets. I wish God would just make a decision; kill me or let me live, because this nothingness in between is so unbearable, so miserable, so crushing, so exhausting. So inhuman.

    For ten hours today, I laid in bed and literally could not move at all because the pain was so incredibly bad. This isn’t life.