I did it again. And this time it was flat on my face. My brother hopped, and I was trying to do the same, and then I just fell. This time it happened so fast I barely knew what was going on. Last time I actually had time to think, “I hope I don’t make too much of a bang when I land so they won’t come running and find me like this.” Then boom, I hit, and no one noticed. This time, it was in front of everybody. I walked out to the car, and unfortunately we were going out to lunch right then. I couldn’t even hide it.
Last time I mildly felt like crying. That frog got in my throat, then I thought to myself, ‘That’s silly, no use in crying. Everyone trips now and then.’ But this time, I couldn’t help it. I got to the car before everyone else, thank heavens we were driving separately. When my mom got to the car, she asked me what happened, and said she thought I was just playing around, thinking, ‘Why is Heather lying on the floor?’ The only thing I could think to say was “I’m so tired of being sick.” I don’t remember the last time I cried in front of my family, but I couldn’t help it. I wasn’t really embarassed. I knew I wasn’t well, and I knew the family we were with knew I wasn’t feeling too good. I knew they’d understand. It was just the thought of being so young, and so old at the same time. I used to be so graceful. And now I keep tripping over air. And not only that, I can’t think, I’m having problems talking… It just hurts so badly. I’m just so tired of it. I thought I was getting my break finally. I was feeling better for a while. I really honestly was.
Now, two hurt wrists and a sore right hip later, I’m feeling thoroughly worn out. When we got to lunch at Shoney’s, I managed to stop the tears and pull myself together. I sat at the table silently because I knew if anyone asked me what happened I couldn’t hold it back. No one asked, everyone acted like nothing happened. Except for the adults, they kept looking at me with that look. I knew they were concerned, it wasn’t anything embarassing. It’s just still that look. I kept from looking at them, but those same six words kept prancing around my head. ‘I’m so tired of being sick.’
I wasn’t hungry, so under the cover of saying “My stomach hurts”, I didn’t order anything. Lath, my mom’s best friend’s husband that I mentioned yesterday, looked over at me and put his hand on my shoulder. He asked very sweetly, “Are you sure you’re okay? You’re looking a bit soft in the eyes.” I couldn’t say anything. I just shook my head no, saying that I wasn’t okay. I put my head down on my dad’s shoulder, trying to hide what I knew was coming. I sat there mildly composed for a moment, and then I felt it. A single, solitary tear ran down my right cheek. That was it. Then everyone had that look, and I again lied and said my stomach hurt. It wasn’t my stomach, it wasn’t my ego, it was just everything. I asked if I could go out to the car to watch a movie, so I left and watched the League of Gentlemen until my laptop’s battery ran out.
We drove back home from South Carolina after that. I wanted to cry the entire way home, but I held it back. Thankfully we had a nice adapter cord so when the car was running we could hook the laptop up to the cigarette lighter and watch movies on the way home. ‘Blue Hawaii’ and ‘The Sixth Sense’ kept me together, but I’ve lost it again. I wish I had tissues in my room. I don’t want that look again when I go back downstairs to eat. I haven’t eaten anything since we got TCBY after Shoney’s to try and make me feel better. After all that my stomach really did hurt.
Now I’m home again. After all that, I’m finally home again. I knew when I woke up today that something was off. Now I’m trying to work up the courage to go get a full physical. I can’t imagine what could be causing this. My ulcerative colitis has technically calmed down, I’ve had physical after physical, test after test, and nothing’s showing up. If I’m going to die I wish it’d just get itself over with so I don’t have to die with all my bones broken from falling down the stairs.
I want a hug.