My church has this youth group thing. We have activities occasionally and I went tonight, as I always do. The group went out carolling and delivering cookies to people. It was kind of depressing. I’m one of the oldest girls in the group, so I stood back and watched as all the younger girls were laughing and having a good time because they had people around them that were compatible. Later, we went back to the church building to have cookies and hot chocolate. There, one of the congregation’s leaders took me aside and told me that they’d like me to work in the nursery. Meaning, I’d graduate from the youth group. It was good timing on their part, since I had just been standing in the kitchen alone, yet surrounded by lots of people. No one spoke to me. I just stood there and ate my cookie.
I guess I should be happy about this. I’ve been wanting to graduate for a long time since lately I’ve felt like I don’t fit in. Being so sick for so long made me grow up faster than everyone else in some ways. Then, being home-schooled has only added to the social difficulties. While they’re laughing and carrying on about boys at their school, I’m sitting alone thinking about ways to further my career, or develop my latest charity project. I’ve been like that for the past two years, and it makes things difficult in a teenage social dynamic.
And yet I feel like I’ve missed out on something. I’m a little bit wary of graduating because it feels like I’m giving in, like I’ve missed something crucial and I’ll never get it back. But, at the same time, feeling that way is pointless. I’ve missed what I’ve missed, staying in the program won’t change that.
What was it that I missed? I think there were a few crucial things about being a teenager in my church that I skated past. I’m not sure I was totally to blame, though; I’m not sure how it happened. For example, in the program each teenager is supposed to have an interview with their leaders every six months. Kind of a check-up to make sure everyone’s okay and happy. I haven’t had one of those interviews in five years. Everyone always forgot me. I’d ask for my interview , the leaders would jott a note in their notebooks, and I’d never hear anything back.
The youth group is split somewhat by ages. 12 & 13, 14 & 15, and 16 & 17. In each twosome there are class presidencies, just like they have in school. Each girl is supposed to have a position in a class presidency at some point in each class division. I haven’t been in one since I was 13. Again, I’d just get forgotten. I’d ask, then never hear back.
Socially things weren’t much better. I’ve had mothers come up to me so often, telling me how much their children look up to me. Just last Sunday a mother pulled me aside after church, took me by the arm, and told me how much her daughters admire me. But they don’t talk to me. The boys haven’t been much different. Sixteen is a crucial age for teenagers in my church. That’s when we’re allowed to start dating. Not a single boy has asked me out. Now that I’m graduating it feels like I’ll never get that chance to just go on a cute little teenage date. But it won’t happen anyway, so why does it bother me at all?
I’ve always been seen as The Rock in every youth group I’ve been in. I’m the “Confident One”, the one the younger girls look up to. People forget that the Rocks are people too. I think that’s why I haven’t had my interviews, why I was never in a class presidency, why I was never asked out on a date. I didn’t “need it.” Even when I won the youth group’s equivalent to the Boy Scout’s Eagle award, I barely got any recognition. They asked me if I wanted to have a little event, and I did tell them I didn’t want it, but only because I knew nobody would show up. It would have been awkward. Because I was the one with the solid self-esteem, the one no one needed to bother about because I “had it all together.”
I’ll be eighteen. I’ll leave the group. I knew it was coming. But it feels pointless. Like I didn’t even experience it at all. It’s like I never left that twelve/thirteen class. It was when I turned fourteen that everything went wrong. I definitely don’t think that my life as a teenager has been bad, or unfulfilling. Far from it. I’ve accomplished a lot, I’ve met some truly wonderful people, and I have the best circle of friends anyone could ever ask for. It’s just disappointing that I was never treated with the same care as the girls who didn’t have it all together. It feels like the past four years were symbolized by this evening; I stood in the corner, I ate my cookie, and everyone else didn’t see me. They put me up on my pedestal, and left me alone. Being on a pedestal may be flattering, but it gets lonely up there. It’s especially annoying when I don’t know why I’m on that pedestal in the first place. I don’t deserve it, I’m not any better, I’m just different.
Now I get to spend my Sundays playing with the babies in the nursery. I’m not sure if that will solve my problems, but at least it’ll be fun. And there are snacks in there, so it can’t be all bad. There are no interviews to be missed, no class presidencies to feel left out of, no girls to ignore me. Just babies.
I don’t think anybody else knows I’ll be graduating yet. It’ll be a shock for them next Sunday when it’s announced that I’ll be a nursery worker. I wonder how they’ll take it.
Anyway. Enough kvetching. I hereby announce in finality that I am done being a teenager. I’m ready to graduate. I’m ready to be legal. I may have missed out on a lot, I may not have gone out on a single date, I may not have even been kissed yet, but I’m done with it. I’m done caring about it. And that’s that.
I got my hair cut today. I went out to Cynthia’s and had about an inch and a half trimmed and my hair re-layered. She also spent a whole hour straightening my hair out with a blow dryer, a round brush, and a curling iron. It took forever and I’m sure Cynthia’s poor arms were sore. We had a great time talking, though, mostly about food. It made me *so* hungry because it was 1:30 in the afternoon and I hadn’t had anything to eat yet (I accidentally slept in until 12:40. Whoopsies.) As soon as she was done I went next door to a Chinese restaurant and had a big plate full of beef with broccoli. MMmMmm good. Actually, come to think of it, that’s all I’ve had to eat today. It was 3:00 by the time I ate and I just haven’t been hungry since. Maybe I should go eat something anyway, since I bet I am hungry, I just can’t feel it.
My hair is all nice, though. I like it straight for a change. Want to see? I took a picture, but the quality isn’t that great. I used my brother Steve’s rather old digital camera. I had to turn it black and white because the colors were so off. 🙂 I was standing in front of a light blue wall, but somehow it turned yellow in the picture. Go figure. Anyway, here’s the picture.
I’m going to go do something fun now. I don’t know what. I need to get this whole graduation crap out of my brain before it upsets me or something. I just need to accept it, that’s all. Or forget about it entirely. Either way.