I have made a decision. I am absolutely, 100% fed up with being sick all the time. It seems like I just never get a break. Whenever things seem to be looking up, they come crashing down worse than they were before. I am so sick of it, I’m not going to stand for it anymore. No more. If I don’t get a break within the next six months, I am giving up. That’s all there is to it. I’m going to spend the rest of my – most likely short – life doing whatever the heck I want. No college, no projects, no nothing. I’m sick and tired of giving and giving and giving and giving. I’ve given so much and gotten nothing back that I *need* for so long that I have nothing left to give. My body just can’t take it. I’m giving the world a six month ultimatum. On January the 20th I will either go on with life as planned, continuing to do whatever I can to make the world a better place, or I will give up for the sake of survival. For the sake of finally doing something that is entirely, 100%, nothing but selfish. I honestly don’t even know what that will be, but I don’t care right now. Six months. If the world wants more from me, then it better do something about it. I have a mental list of what I need to keep going. Just one of those and I’ll be happy. Just one.
What brought this on? I couldn’t carry on a conversation today. I’m having a hard time talking again. AGAIN. I can’t have this right now, I really can’t. It’s killing so many plans. I’ve tried to relax, I’ve tried to take it easy, I’m doing everything the doctors said. That should produce something good, right? It was so hard to talk, it hurt so badly.
I don’t want to write anything else tonight.