Last year when I was living in England for a while I got to spend quite a bit of time with my friend Alastair’s three year old son, Hugo. Hugo is a delightful boy who skipped right over that Terrible Twos stage. However, like most inquisitive, intelligent young boys, he couldn’t avoid that inevitable case of The Constant “Why?”s. I’ve been thinking about Hugo a bit lately because, well, I seem to have caught a temporary case of the “Why?”s myself. These ridiculous non-sequitor questions keep appearing in my mind, sometimes with good cause, but more often than not they’re remarkably stupid. And it is for that reason that I thought I’d post a few of them here. Cause hey, you never know, somebody out there might actually have a good answer.
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• Why do so many young boys in beat up old Hondas stop and honk at me, and yet I rarely ever get similar attention from a handsome, well-dressed guy in a shiny new BMW? Does this mean I look cheap? • Why does my memory seem to expire every other minute on certain days? • Why is it that just when you think you’re comfortable with your bra size and you order five of that particular garment, they suddenly aren’t comfortable anymore? Is this some kind of weird scientific rule I’ve never heard of, like Ockham’s Brassiere? (Haha, sorry, couldn’t resist…) • Why can’t I be as cool as Steve McQueen? Come on, why not? I wanna be cool like Steve… |
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• Why are so many 20-something males so incredibly insensitive and stupid? Is it an epidemic? Was there something in the underroos that warped the males of my generation? Why can’t they be cool like Steve McQueen? • Why does my memory seem to expire every other minute on certain days? • Why does everyone keep saying ‘Desperate Housewives’ is such an original, creative show, when it’s essentially the same plot as such classic films as ‘Bachelor in Paradise‘, just with a bunch of added promiscuity? It’d be one thing to take it for what it is, but to call it original… why? Or am I the only one who remembers movies from over thirty years ago? • Hey, why am I the only one who remembers movies from over thirty years ago? • Why is it that whenever I’m thinking happy thoughts about cars and/or racing, a BMW Z4 suddenly appears? • Why can’t I find anybody who’ll go out dancing with me at Glen Echo? It’s fun! And Glenn Miller’s orchestra is coming next week! (Although, obviously sans-Glenn Miller, but hey, that would be quite an accomplishment if they could get him there, considering, well, he’s no longer with us.) • Why is it that we see tampon commercials all over magazines and TV, but you never see ads for men’s girdles or ‘flatteners’ anymore? They’re still around, they were advertised out the wazoo fifty years ago, but today? Oooh noo… we all may get to giggle at the ridiculous “Look at me, I can play tennis any time!” ladies ads, but what’s left for us girls to giggle at? Nothing, I tell you, nothing! • What does playing tennis have to do with tampons anyway? • Why do people think I’m so weird? Oh wait, never mind… • Why are so many women so naturally mean and nasty to other women? You’d think we’d have grown out of that by now. • Why won’t the newspapers just quit hounding us with stories about Katie Holmes & Tom Cruise, and Brad Pitt & Angelina Jolie? I’m so sick to death of those people! Enough already! I don’t care! Talk about celebrities getting hounded by paparazzi, can we stop them from hounding us with celebrities? • Why am I still writing this? You’d think after the tampon question I’d have gotten all embarrassed and stopped writing. 🙂 Alright, I’m done. Have any enlightening answers for me? Got any why questions you want to share? Comment away, people! Why? Because commenting makes you cool, just like Steve McQueen. |
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• Why do so many young boys in beat up old Hondas stop and honk at me, and yet I rarely ever get similar attention from a handsome, well-dressed guy in a shiny new BMW? Does this mean I look cheap?
No, they just want someone besides trailer trash to think about.
• Why does my memory seem to expire every other minute on certain days?
been checked for ADD?
• Why is it that just when you think you’re comfortable with your bra size and you order five of that particular garment, they suddenly aren’t comfortable anymore?
Hmmm, good question, one I cant explain myself!
• Why are so many 20-something males so incredibly insensitive and stupid?
One word: testosterone, it gets the better of them.
• Why does my memory seem to expire every other minute on certain days?
Shall we go over this again?
• Why does everyone keep saying ‘Desperate Housewives’ is such an original, creative show.
Because weve never seen that 30 year old movie on primetime.
• Hey, why am I the only one who remembers movies from over thirty years ago?
I like old movies.
• Why is it that whenever I’m thinking happy thoughts about cars and/or racing, a BMW Z4 suddenly appears?
Got me on that one…
• Why can’t I find anybody who’ll go out dancing with me at Glen Echo?
Well consider yourself lucky, I go to an all womens college, try getting a date there. 😉
• Why is it that we see tampon commercials all over magazines and TV, but you never see ads for men’s girdles or ‘flatteners’ anymore?
Well, there are those trojan commercials on the WB now! I guess tampons are the ‘thing’ now. Besides, men like to think they dont need those kind of things, that they have self control (I dont think so!).
• What does playing tennis have to do with tampons anyway?
Maybe all of the running and jumping around? But I thought that was why they had pads with wings…
• Why do people think I’m so weird? Oh wait, never mind…
You’re not weird, your original!
• Why are so many women so naturally mean and nasty to other women?
They envy each other.
• Why won’t the newspapers just quit hounding us with stories about Katie Holmes & Tom Cruise, and Brad Pitt & Angelina Jolie?
I wish they would stop too! I guess there is nothing more to write about…
• Why am I still writing this?
Because you have the questioning mind of a toddler in your head right now, and it seems like the thing to do.
Now I have a question. Im going to Nova Scotia for a while, is it worth my while to go to Dartmouth for some Lush shampoo? I mean is it *really* that good?
It’s all due to the floride in the water.
A disjointed smattering of answers to the questions Heather posed; by Erik:
•••I’d like to think I’m not too insensitive or stupid, but if I am, I’m sure my underroos had little to do with it, as they were never recalled by the clothing manufacturer for lead content or the like. Although, they did have the odd side effect of granting the super powers of whatever comic book character happened to be prominently featured on my butt at the time.
•••’Desperate who-what now’?
•••I play tennis and have never found the occasion to utilize a tampon in the execution thereof.
•••I still haven’t recovered from the shock of Glenn Miller’s death. I was -35 at the time. Glenn, you are still missed. You’re the reason I continued playing trombone, having learned of your existence 4 years after I started the instrument.
•••If Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise have a son and don’t name him Sherlock Holmes, I will lose faith in humanity. By the same token, a quip involving the first name Peach paired with the surname Pitt would seem appropriate; however, Gwyneth Paltrow naming her child Apple has shattered any of the future humor that should rightfully accompany a person sharing a name with a fruit.
Why can’t I think of anything relevant to say? Why did I hit the ‘Post’ button with nothing in mind to say? Why can’t you ever find rubber party pants in the right size?
I think I know someone who goes dancing at Glen Echo. He lives in Arlington – or Alexandria – one of those. Anyway, I could hook you two up if you’d like.
I would love to take you dancing at Glen Echo. Unfortunatly I now live in Texas. I rode my first roller coaster there way back when. Used to go swimmming there on those hot summer days in the 50’s. Rode the streetcar out.
Alas! No more Rollercoaster. No more swimming pool. No more streetcars.