So when I woke up this morning, I decided to try on my old pair of blue jeans, the ones I’d been saving from my days as a thinner pre-Dercums-Disease woman. You can imagine my glee when I slipped them on and they made my butt look like a million dollars. They fit like a glove, and even better yet, they weren’t even tight! But egads did they look good. Of course I instantly went prancing around the house to show them off. I was on Cute Butt Cloud NIne.

    I was quickly brought back down to reality, however, when I realized that these were the only pair of jeans in my posession that actually fit the way the perfect jeans are supposed to fit. And I just couldn’t stomach the idea of being a one-pair-of-jeans kind of person. Eventually they’d get dirty, and then what would I wear on laundry day? Nothing? No, that simply wouldn’t do. And besides, I needed to find some pants to wear on the plane to Scotland, so off I went to the local outlet mall. I wasn’t expecting much, since clothing shopping for me is a bit treacherous at times, but I was determined to find at least one pair of pants suitable for the flight to Scotland.

    I went to Off Saks Fifth Avenue – no luck. I went to BCBG – tried on a mountain, came out without even so much as a molehill. I was disappointed, but I wasn’t about to give up. Little did I know that at that moment, I was walking toward Shopping Nirvana.

    I decided to go to the home of the Cute Butt Jeans I was currently wearing: Calvin Klein. I figured if nothing else, at least I’ll get an identical pair and lose the title of One-pair-of-jeans Woman. I looked at the first rack of jeans I saw and quickly gagged at the idea of paying $49.99 for a pair of jeans. (Yeah, I’m cheap.) I picked out my size and decided to take a look around. As I made my way toward the back of the store I soon found myself in heaven; far in the back corner was an entire wall dedicated to the delightful figure of four dollars and ninety-nine cents. Yup, every item on that wall cost $4.99.

    The mountain of clothing I had tried on at BCBG was now, by comparison, reduced to a molehill. I tried on so many different pairs of pants that I was literally in the dressing room so long that when I finally reemerged, one of the employees stated with shock, “I thought you’d left half an hour ago!” I was exhausted, my face beat red; I’d been through a serious workout of pulling clothes on and off and on and off and on and off… but I emerged not a mere clothing shopper, but a true Fashionista, a God among shopping mortals. I had two armfuls of designer clothing, and I was heading for the register.

    I left Calvin Klein with 16 items, 15 for me, 1 a gift for a friend. 12 pairs of pants, three shirts, and a gorgeous jacket. For all of this I paid a mere $94.84. What was the original retail price, you ask? Well I’ll tell you.

    $1069.99. That’s a savings of $975.15. That’s sickening, but in the best possible way. I got all of that, an entire new wardrobe of pants, for less than the original cost of that one gorgeous jacket at the end of the tally. That cute little jacket I fell so in love with originally cost $99.00. Would I have paid that much for it? Never in a million years. But when it’s that cheap, why not?

    Today was a glorious shopping day. I have so many pants that I feel a bit like the Imelda Marcos of trousers. And the shopping didn’t end there! I also got cute gloves and a cowboy hat from Wilsons (don’t ask – I never thought I’d own a cowboy hat, but that’s what happens whilst on a shopping high), two tshirts from J Crew that within five minutes of walking out of the store in one of them caused four men to rapidly turn their heads in my direction, and the creme de la creme of shoes… a brand spankin new pair of Ferrari driving shoes. Naturally mine are bright Ferrari red leather, the Cavallino prancing on the heel, and soles suitable for driving the finest of automobiles. I couldn’t be happier after my day at the outlet mall… but holy crap do I need a foot masseur! Shopping, even at $4.99, is tough work. 😉 So take that Abercrombie, eat my dust American Eagle, just talk to the hand Old Navy – you ain’t got nothin’ on me and my uber-shopping.