I don’t know why I haven’t blogged in so long. Or rather, I guess I should say, I can’t pinpoint one clear reason. It’s all a bit of a jumbled mess. Frankly, I’m a bit of a jumbled mess. The past few weeks have been so… messy, unpredictable; helter skelter. As most of you thought, I was supposed to have surgery on the 9th of February. I got several sweet emails about it. But what I didn’t tell you was that it got postponed. I got all worked up, only to have it delayed. The procrastination has come to head – time’s up. The big day is tomorrow, and I can’t say I’m looking forward to it. In fact, I’m dreading it.
As I write this, I have just about twenty minutes left until the midnight cut off, the deadline for when I have to stop eating and drinking. I’ve always hated that deadline, and now, I’ve lost count of how many times I’ve faced it, how many times these same thoughts have been swirling through my mind, only now they’re multiplied. After going under so many times, one can’t help but wonder how many times you can cheat without slipping, how many times you’ll be allowed to go under and come back up. How many times you’ll be allowed a relatively uneventful journey.
I can’t help but remember this one operation I had when I was younger, back during The Toe Days. (On a side note, I promised myself I wouldn’t cry while writing this. Too late.) Throughout the entire operation, I had this horrific nightmare that I still remember very clearly. It was quite appropriate, given the circumstances, but all the more terrifying. When they tried to wake me up, I was kicking and screaming, flailing despite the pain. I remember hearing, through the haze and confusion, various statements they made, asking someone to hold me down here, to watch out over there. Every time I go under I think about that time, just as the haze begins to take over, just at that moment when the doctor starts to say good night. I wonder if it’ll be like that again, or if it will just be that all too familiar nothingness.
I don’t want to do this again. But I have no choice, do I? The race is starting up again, and this is only the beginning of yet another lap. This endless endurance race. With no way out.
On a practical note, if you’ve sent me an email recently, of if you send me anything in the near future, there’s a good chance it’ll be a while before I can respond. I’m usually stuck in the hospital for around 10 days, and there’s no telling if I’ll have internet access or not. I’ll have my laptop, so at least I’ll be prepared, but I can’t promise anything. Hell, who knows if I’ll even feel up to it. So please be patient; I’ll get to it when I can.
I think that’s everything. Thank you to everyone who sent me a present or a sweet message. I appreciate it, as always. I’ll miss you; God willing, I’ll see you on the other side.