It sucks. Well, that’s the short version. The long version is, after what feels like dozens of tests – most of which were repeats – the doctors have now decided that it’s not my gall bladder that’s causing my pain after all. That leaves the oh so important question of, well, what the hell is it? The leading theory at the moment is that something somewhere in my torso has become infected. Of course, this theory isn’t strong enough yet according to the doctors to warrant a prescription for antibiotics. So, as I’m approaching my fifth week with unbearable pain just underneath the right side of my ribcage, I’m still no closer to a diagnosis than I was when I first went into the Emergency Room. Ooh, but I’ve learned a whole lot about my body in the process. Totally irrelevant depressing stuff, sure, but nothing pertaining to why I hurt so badly I’m now walking like a hunched over, crippled old woman.

The most interesting of things I’ve learned is that I will probably only be able to ever have one child. Lovely, isn’t it? After having a really, really nasty upper and lower GI test the other day – a test where you have to swallow a bunch of barium then watch through a flouroscope as it goes down (sort of like a real-time moving x-ray) – the doctors discovered something a bit funny. What was so funny? They lost my small intestines. That seems like something that would be hard to lose, but they did nonetheless. Because they couldn’t find it, they had me drink more and more and more barium. Which was charming because that stuff tastes like butt, it clogs up your system by turning into globs, and yeah, it’s just no fun.

Turns out, I didn’t need all that barium after all. The real problem was, my small intestine is stupid. Obviously a man designed my body because he forgot to read the manual before he installed key elements. See, normally your large intestine connects to your small intestine just a little below your rib cage on your right side. Mine, it doesn’t end until right between my hip bones. Yup. Right in the midst of several vital, moving organs, I’ve got this huge lump of connecting intestine. Charming, isn’t it? I was real pleased. Three cannisters of barium got dumped down there – two more than usual – and now I feel as if I’ve had a c-section. And yet, I didn’t even get a cute baby out of it.

The radiologist was kind enough to inform me that carrying a baby for me is going to be about the worst experience of my life. Almost unbearable most likely. There goes my plan of having at least four children. *sigh*

So, about this abdominal infection situation. Fun. On top of all the pain I’ve been in, I even had to go to traffic court this morning and got treated like dirt. The judge didn’t even let me finish defending myself, and despite my perfectly clean record, gave me about the maximum penalty he could have possibly given me. Needless to say, despite their scare tactics, I’m so filing an appeal. Yay! More work for the crippled girl!

Okay, now that I’m in a sufficiently horrible mood, I’m going to bed. Sorry, I really meant for this to be short, but I think I needed to rant. I’ve been really stressed and upset lately for obvious reasons. I need a vacation. Badly. From pain. And bad news. So if you have bad news for me, just save us both the trouble, and go away. Cause hey, the next person who delivers bad news to me, you might just want to watch out – I’m *this* close to punching somebody.

Last, before I go, I wanted to share this with you. It’s a print I saw on Exploding Dog once, and I really wish I had been able to get a copy of it. It’s so simple and yet explains everything so beautifully. I want a hug. I think I’ll go cuddle with that gigantic stuff dog Mike bought for me last week after I had the repeat HIDA scan. You wouldn’t believe it, that behemoth of a plushie is almost as big as I am! I love it, though, because it’s all fuzzy and floppy – makes it perfect for cuddling when I feel all sickly. *sigh* Anybody wanna cheer me up?