I have had a royally horrific week. I’ve found two more tumors (one of which seems to delight in cutting off the nerves to my left arm), I didn’t make it to the finals of an award I was hoping to get, I’m having really garish nightmares thanks to having to rehash all the crap that happened with the stalker, I’m not sleeping, I’m gaining weight despite not being able to eat much, I got food poisoning from Sweetwater Tavern (food poisoning! Can you believe it?!), the Christmas present I ordered isn’t coming and I can’t find it anywhere else, and after over a month of trying to get the tumors taken care of, the freaking insurance office keeps losing the consult my doctor wrote! So while they’re messing around, the tumors are getting worse, one of them’s pressing on my spine (which really hurts), and it looks like it’ll be another month at this rate before I can go in for the surgery that should have been performed ages ago.
*sigh* …and I’m almost out of pain medication again.
Life’s kind of sucky at the moment, but I feel bad just dumping all this here. So, let’s try to dust it off and end it on a high note. Here, take these jokes and laugh yourself silly, I’m going… somewhere. I don’t know.
– A pirate walks into a bar, but there’s something odd about him that catches the bartender’s eye. Even though he knows it’s rude, the bartender just can’t stop staring at the pirate. Finally, he just can’t take it anymore. He walks up to the pirate and asks, “Sir, why do you have a ship’s steering wheel sticking out of your pants?” To which the pirate replies, “Aarrrggh, it’s drivin’ me’ nuts!”
– What did the blonde say when she walked into the bar? Ow.
– A giant screwdriver goes to a bar for a drink. When he sits down, the bartender says to him, “Hey, we have a drink named after you.” To which the giant screwdriver replies excitedly, “You have a drink named Steve?!”
Yeah, never told you they’d be good jokes… Anyone got any better ideas? Come on, I really want this week to turn out better than the last.
a man walks into a bar with a giraffe.
he and the giraffe start to drink.
the giraffe gets piss drunk and passes out on the floor.
then man gets up, pays for his tab and starts to walk out the door.
the bar keep says, in his heavy british accent:
“‘Ey, you can’t leave that thing ly’in there!”
the man looks up, and says:
“its not a lion, its a giraffe.”
One day, while sailing the Seven Seas, Captain Bravo’s lookout spotted a pirate ship. The crew became frantic!
Captain Bravo bellowed, “Bring me my red shirt!” The first mate quickly retrieved the captain’s red shirt, and while wearing the brightly colored frock, the Captain led his crew into battle and defeated the pirates.
That evening, all the men sat around on the deck recounting the day’s triumph. One of them asked the captain, “Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before battle?”
The captain replied, “If I had been wounded in the attack, the shirt would not have shown my blood. Thus, you men would continue to fight, unafraid.” All of the men sat and marveled at both the courage and intelligence of such a manly man’s man.
As dawn came the next morning, the lookout spotted not one, not two, but TEN pirate ships approaching! The crew stared in worshipful silence at the captain and waited for his usual brilliant orders.
Captain Bravo gazed with steely eyes upon the vast armada arrayed against his ship, and without fear, turned and calmly shouted, “Get me my brown pants.”