Anyone who has read this blog for any reasonable length of time should know by now that I am hopelessly addicted to cars, particularly BMWs. I fell for those loveable Germans ages ago when I was introduced to the 3 series. My first car was a dainty little 1996 BMW 318i, the first time I kissed a boy in a car it was a 2003 325i (proving I didn’t go for quality in men, but I did when it came to cars); I’m pretty well emotionally invested in that particular automobile.

    So it stands to reason that with the debut of the next generation of the BMW 3 I’d be positively ecstatic, right? Unfortunately, reason has failed me: I can’t stand it.

    There’s more to my love for the BMW 3 than just how fun it is to drive. It’s the history, the heritage – when the 3 first appeared in 1968 as the BMW 2002, it was the absolute first sports sedan (and I hold to my belief that anyone who thinks that’s an oxymoron just hasn’t spent enough time flinging one of those babies around tight corners at insane speeds.) Historically speaking, the 3 series has always been the benchmark against which all other competitors have been measured. It was the cream of the crop, the icon of what performance, safety, and luxury is all about in German engineering. They were going strong for 37 years, but they just had to go and kill it.

    Last month I drove a new 2006 3 series on a private road, really putting it to the test. From a straight performance stand-point, it exceeds all previous 3 series. It’s quick, it’s responsive, and holy crap, that growl of the engine just keeps getting better every time I hear it. But last week I went back to test drive it again, this time with my family in tow. Being the gracious person that I am, I let my Mom drive first, since she is the one who’s most likely going to buy one (I may love the 3, but my next purchase is going to be a bit more exciting, I hope. Mmm, Ferrari.) Having been relegated to the passenger seat, free from the distraction of driving, I began to notice all the little things. Or rather, all the big, giant, glaring, scary mishaps in design.

    German cars have always been first and foremost about the driving experience. It’s what made them great. They were meant to perform, keeping you comfortable and in control. Everything else was just needless fodder. This meant that traditionally there were very few distractions in the interior cabin, to the point that they looked quite sparse when compared to American automobiles. Slowly, year by year, BMW has been acquiescing to the American market by adding more and more gadgets and gizmos. I didn’t mind this so much, because in designing the 3, they seemed to take great care to make these accoutrements blend into the background. All of that has changed in the new 2006 3 series; suddenly everything inside the car has been inflated to the point that the car jets out at you from every angle. Despite the few inches of space they’ve added, I felt incredibly cramped and claustrophobic. I felt completely wedged into the car, the unending slopes impeding my personal space. I mean, I’m only 5’6″, and yet my head was this close to hitting the roof! Everything in the car is suddenly fat and in my way.

    For instance, the glove compartment. I used to love those old school BMW glove compartments, like the one in my ’96 3 series. The dashboard was small and the glove compartment was perfectly vertical. This gave me optimal knee room – there was nothing above my knees, nothing cramping my style or choice of seating position. However, Chris Bangle’s design team decided to go all cab-forward on us: that darn dash board leaps out at you, completely covering your knees and forcing you to sit with your legs outstretched. What happened to the freedom to bend my knees, Chris Bangle?! There’s something so psychologically worrying about that design, a feeling that if I were to get into an accident, I’d find the dashboard implanted into my kneecaps. It’s for that reason that I have forever loathed cab forward and American car design. I feel betrayed, I feel hopelessly lost! German automotive Judas, why hast thou forsaken me!? Whatever will I do?

I know, I will forsake BMW and put my faith in the Italians. (Of course, there will still be a special place in my heart for my Z4 baby, unless they go and ruin that too, the glovebox cretins!) BMW has betrayed the 3 series heritage, sacrificing its sparce, performance-centered interior for ridiculous, over inflated American-centered “luxury”. Note to BMW: fat dashboards do not equal luxury. I am deeply offended and disappointed. The 3 series was never meant to be a luxury touring car – that’s what the 5 and 7 series were for. It was meant to continue the legacy of the 1968 BMW 2002, it was meant to be a sports sedan and nothing more.

From this day forward, I will no longer be the BMW nut. I am officially Italiano-centric, baby. Bring on the Ferrari 612 Scaglietti, rev up that engine of the Maserati Quattroporte, and let’s take off in the oh so gorgeous Lamborghini Gallardo. Now let’s see if I can find a guy to kiss in a fine Italian automobile and my transformation will be complete!