I grew up in a house full of boys. Because of this, I’d say I have far more male friends than I do female. I’m happy with this. But yet, despite my comfort and familiarity with men, I still find some aspects of ‘manliness’ quite funny. For instance, over the past several months, a bunch of my guy friends have been telling me to watch the show ‘Firefly.’ Everyone keeps saying it’s great, it’s original, it’s such a shame it was cancelled. Well, I watched it, and I found it downright laughable.

    I’ve seen loads of guy movies. I have a pretty good understanding of men, and yet I’m still woman enough to know when men are being placated to. Thus far, ‘Firefly’ seems to do nothing but pander to the generalized rules of writing for men. I’ve thought about these rules for years, and thanks to the inspiration of ‘Firefly’, I actually bothered to write them down. But before I proudly present The Top 25 Rules of Writing for Men, keep in mind this is presented with a great deal of sarcasm and affectionate teasing, so don’t take it too seriously. I love you guys, but really, sometimes men are just far too gullible. If I were you, I’d be tired of the condescension callously thrown your way by Hollywood. While some of these rules are enjoyed by male and female alike (who doesn’t like a good ‘splosion flick?), the stupid, ridiculous, and offensive nature of a few other rules are getting a bit tired. After actually thinking through this list of mine, I’ve realized just how many guy movies are exactly the same, and I’d like something a little more inventive, please.

The Top 25 Rules of Writing for Men

    1) Big guns. ‘Nuff said.

    2) Explosions. Big, firey, loud explosions.

    3) There simply must be several fast vehicles, whether they’re cars, planes, boats, or spaceships. Heck, throw in all of ’em!

    4) Put those vehicles in a chase, preferably with extra weapons worked into the vehicle’s design, thus enabling the big ‘splosions, per rule 2.

    5) Self discipline is highly overrated; heroes live in a world of glamorous excess, and yet they will never ever die of alcohol poisoning or STDs.

    6) Every guy knows, wars are great, but if your budget isn’t big enough for a full scale war, a couple battles are okay. Just so long as they’re bloody and involve a lot of men shouting something to the effect of “Yeeeehaw!” when they hit their desired target.

    7) You must have at least one female lead, but up to three is acceptable. Any more than that and you risk unnecessary cat fights. (And we all know, any cat fight without mud is just unnecessary.)

    8) One of those women must be nice and brainy (Girl Next Door), one must be tough (Kick Butt Witch), and by all means, one must be loose (The Mandatory Whore.)

    9) None of these women have any self-respect, no matter how much they may postulate otherwise. All of them are malleable, all of them are conquerable; none of them are out of your reach. Especially if you look like Brad Pitt.

    10) Female nudity absolutely must occur throughout the show, but it must start no later than twenty minutes into the program. Men have notoriously short attention spans and you must not keep them waiting! The less applicable the nudity is to the story, the better. Every opportunity to throw skin into a random scene must be taken. This includes scenes of sex, bathing, changing clothes, or simply strategically ripped clothing during an action sequence.

    11) Although female nudity will always be prevalent, men will never ever be shown without their clothing intact. Shirts will eventually be torn or removed entirely, but their pants (or at least their underwear) will remain on at all times. On very rare occasions, their hind-quarters may be shown, but not for any great length of time. (I will refrain from going into the psychological reasons for this rule, but dang if it isn’t funny. Ha, and all this time men had us convinced they were so confident in themselves…)

    12) During the battles mentioned in rule 10, women must make specifically ridiculous groaning noises whenever they get hurt. Anything, including something as small as a scratch, leads to flailing head motions and screeching. But never, ever are the men allowed to flinch. That would make them weak.

    13) A woman’s make-up is never messed up, no matter what conditions she may encounter. She can leap from a burning building, she can rocket to the moon, she can sleep with the hero, but ne’er a smudge shall be seen. The only exception is in the rare case of a slight scrape along the cheekbone to highlight her lovely facial construction or her ruggedness.

    14) There has to be at least one sex scene, and again, the less applicable to the storyline, the better. Don’t forget the moaning and the comments about how wonderful and amazing the man is (as previously mentioned, men like to convince everyone they’re so confident, but us writers, we know better! Pad those egos, boys!) Nothing is too gratuitous, because after all, these are men we’re talking about. These particular scenes will usually start with the Mandatory Whore character, but in the end, the hero will break down the barriers of The Girl Next Door, conquering the citadel of innocent cuteness, cause he’s a man! Again, this is all the more likely if you look like Brad Pitt, because women are weak and vain.

    15) Never forget the value (or rather, lack thereof) of snappy one-liners, otherwise known as “throwaway lines”. They make the heroes great, they make the sidekicks memorable, and yet they make both look like idiots. (i.e. “I’ll be back”, “I have a bad feeling about this…”, “It’s clobberin’ time!”, “Swweeeet!”, “Et cetera, et cetera, et cetera”, et cetera.)

    16) In every tense situation, the men simply have to talk in deep, gruff, exceedingly serious tones. Anything less just wouldn’t be manly enough. Everything you say must become frightening; when ‘Honey, please pass the muffins!” suddenly sounds like a threat against your life, you’re right on track.

    17) Adopt a ‘No Holds Barred’ attitude toward crass humor, innuendo, derogatory comments, and disrespectful jokes about women, no matter how stupid, expected, or offensive it may be. Throw those jokes in every chance you can get, because we all know that men love it and women don’t care! (Or, at least, they don’t dare voice their objections.)

    18) It’s funny to take advantage of women. Come on, we all laugh at it! Cause life’s funny that way.

    19) Coarse language is to be admired and respected – real men don’t have the time to educate themselves enough to develop their vocabularies beyond four-letter expletives. Swearing at every chance you get, especially in front of women, is a sign of true intelligence.

    20) The common thug is precisely that: common. No one will dare ask questions about where an evil villain finds these thugs, how he goes about hiring them, or how they just keep cropping up no matter how many the hero kills. They are expendable; any more thought given to the subject means you haven’t properly executed rules 1 & 2.

    21) The villain’s secret hideout and the hero’s special uber cool bunker were created by magical elves, because no one else knows their locations, and yet they have some of the coolest and most complicated architecture and gadgetry around. Don’t bother trying to explain away the phenomenon of how these lairs were constructed, because again, if your audience is asking these questions, then you’ve completely failed in applying the rules, and you’ve missed the mark in marketing your film to sufficiently gullible men.

    22) Every modern evil villain on the face of the planet only has one of three accents: British, German, or Middle Eastern. If it’s a retrospective film, Russian or Japanese may apply, but then you’d be asking the men to remember something historical. It’s a serious risk, because that may detract from rules 1, 2, 10, & 14.

    23) No matter what form of debauchery the hero involves himself in, the girl he’s always dreamed of – upon learning of his lecherous behavior – will simply laugh, shake her head, and readily forgive him after throwing a suitable temper tantrum. Because, as we’ve said before, women are malleable and weak. Especially if you look like Brad Pitt.

    24) Did we mention the explosions? Cause really, this cannot be stressed enough. Explosions are almost more important than the nudity and sex scenes. Almost.

    25) Above all else, the guys win in the end, and dang it, we’ll feel good about it. Or else.

    Keep an eye out for these elements in the next Guy Movie you watch, and I guarantee you’ll spot them. Heck, pull out that typewriter and write a Guy Movie yourself; add these elements and you’ll be sure to have a hit! Just remember not to mind all the women you’ll be offending and trampling over along the way – need I repeat, women are malleable and weak, who cares about them?

    Coming soon, The Top 25 Rules of Writing for Women! AKA, why chick flicks are a scourge upon the Earth. (Don’t worry, I’m an equal-opportunity condescension hater.) Feel free to add your own rules to this list, as I’m sure you’ve noticed other continuing themes in Guy Movies through the ages. And remember, don’t take this too seriously; you all know I love you, testosterone and all.