I could do with some cheering up so I think it’s time for another installment of the successful Caption Me! Contest. Do your best to make me laugh and you could win a neato spiffy button for your website, and an incredibly exciting compilation CD prepared especially for you by none other than me. And if you try extra super duper hard to make me laugh so hard that milk comes out my nose, I might even include a highly embarrassing recording of a sweet, innocent 16-year-old me singing Duke Ellington’s classic ‘Mood Indigo’. It’s never been released before because, yeah, I was rather afraid of its breathiness.
With all that said and done, it’s time for this edition’s photo. Observe it, analyze it, ponder it, and then by all means, lampoon it.
Please help out, submit a caption, and let’s see if we can’t break the comment record set by the previous contest. That one garnered 105 comments; let’s see if we can’t make it to at least 106. We could make history! And more importantly, it would make me oh so very happy if you would play along, so please oh please do! 🙂
Here we go:
(1)I assure you madam that it was not I who broke wind.
(2) . . . on the front right bicuspid you can pick up the BBC, on the rear left molar, WKRP in Cincinnati.
(3) agh ahhh mommmm don’ distrac da dentist OW! He has a pointy thing in my mauth.
Helllo . . . .water . . . I naed wata. gotta rinse. hello.
But Dr. we were just here last week, surely you don’t need me to come back here next week too.
(6) And what exactly do you expect me to tell your father about your tongue piercing?
(7) Personally, I believe it is the mouth and not the eye that is the window to one’s soul.
(8) Yes find, I admit it, I sucked my thumb too but this is neither the time or place to discuss it.
The (hiccup) smell of alcohol comes from the anesthesia not from my (hiccup) breath.
(10) It wasn’t until years later that little Johnny realized that his dentist name was NOT Honey and that they shared the same hair color.
(11) Look see. I can jab his tongue all I want. He doesn’t feel a thing.
(12) The gnawing on furniture began at age 3 when we bought our first chinchilla.
(13) I can see where Johnny gets his radiant smile. Have I told you that your eyes sparkle.
(13) I can see where Johnny gets his radiant smile. Have I told you that your eyes sparkle?
The Motorola v2010 comes complete with tongue activated redial and if you sign up now you can get 1000 anytime minutes for $49.99.
(15) I’ve wanted to laugh in your face ever since the first time I met you. You’re old, ugly and I’m sick of you.
DENTIST: And this tooth is the… er… BI-CUPID, also known as the “Love Tooth”. These ones in the back have long latin names, none of which I’ll bore you with, but they are affectionately called the MOLAR-BEARS.
WOMAN: Are you sure you’re a real dentist?
DENTIST: (nervous chuckle) Of course I am. I have a white jacket don’t I? They don’t hand these out to just anyone!
Don’t worry, Mrs. Johnson. I see this all the time. All you have to do is hold his chin like so, and jam the broccoli down his throat with a fork. He’ll eat it.
WOMAN: Is it serious, Doctor?
DENTIST: I’m afraid your son has… KOOL-AID TONGUE!!
WOMAN: NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
No ma’am, being blind hasn’t hindered me in my profession one bit.
Timmy, you’ve been such a good boy during the checkup; have a cigar.
A clever dentist finds an excuse to deduct a laser pointer as a business expense.
Mikey was just 5 minutes from learning the tragic life lesson “never trust a dentist in a straight jacket”.
“So Sarah, do you have any kids?” Darn, I can’t believe I just asked her that. Stupid stupid stupid. My brother was right, I will die alone.
Oh yes, I assure you Mrs. Hollaway, the dental care here in Tijuana is every bit as good as you are used to in the states.
Hmm, it’s funny, but I can’t find a pulse.
The dentist then rotated Jimmy’s tires and slapped a sticker on his forehead saying that he was good for another 3000 miles.
That’s nothing! Hand me a second metal probe and I’ll play Christmas Chopsticks.
“Let me take this moment to ask ‘Have you heard about The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints?'”
“So Karen, do you come here often?” Darn, I can’t believe I just asked her that. Stupid stupid stupid. First Sarah now Karen, my brother was right, I will die alone.
You want to apply the lipstick using a counterclockwise motion like so.
Yes, the children of attractive parents are often neglected. I feel kinda bad for my kids.
So about the bill …
Sure I can remove the fishing hook, but next time you really ought to look behind you before you cast.
“Yes, tongue shaving is really a lost art…”
“If you look here you can see some built up plague as well as … oh my … Mrs. Johnson did you used to have a chinchilla?
Are the cavities out tonight?
I don’t know if his teeth are bright
’cause I only have eyes for you
Dear, the plaque may be high
But his molars I just can’t spy
’cause I only have eyes for you.
“I have but one simple solution to cavities. Now you see it…” says the dentist, waving his hands in the most intricate manner, “…now you don’t!”
“My my,” was Hariett’s only response.
“Now open your mouth and say” *turns* “Oou laa laa!”
The lights, fans, and other devices are only the appetizer to this wonderful freak show. Wait until you see the kid!
One word. “Aahhhhhhggghhhhhhhhhhhhhgghhhhh”
“He’ll wash dishes, clean toilets, and cook dinner. So, what do you say, Miss Rawlins? $5,000?”
“This one looks a lot healthier than the last one you sold me; I’ll pay you $3,000 for him.”
Not to self: no one ever seems to laugh at child slavery jokes for some reason. Perhaps you ought to quit making them.
“Timmy, I removed your braces, but until your teeth get used to not having something to keep them straight, you are going to have to keep this kazoo in your mouth at all times.”
I’m not so clever but these two made me laugh out loud…
“Let me take this moment to ask ‘Have you heard about The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints?'”
“So Sarah, do you have any kids?” Darn, I can’t believe I just asked her that. Stupid stupid stupid. My brother was right, I will die alone.
I love reading the captions!!! 🙂
The dentist thought it was a coup when he heard about the low rent for the old high school gynasium, but it was only after he signed the lease that he heard about the 20% slope of the floor. Saving a few bucks was great, but he was getting sick of all the moms constantly tipping over.
“Great, just what I need, another backseat dentist.”
Well Mrs. Jones, Timmy here just accidentally swallowed my cavity filler.
Timmy, I’m afraid you’re going to feel it burn all the way to Uranus. Better take your pet Chinchilla along to keep you company!
Doctor Pertz: “You see Mrs. Jones? Timmy swallowed a gob-stopper the size of Uranus, and it lodged in his throat!”
Mrs. Jones: “I beg your pardon?!”
How was I supposed to know he’d eat the rocks? He doesn’t do anything else I tell him to do.
Dentist..It’s alive! Alive!
Mom..What?
Dentist..Nevermind.
Mom..You’re weird.
Dentist..You dress funny.
Mom..I love you.
Dentist..I know.
Kid..Mmmph grrrgle thhhhpt.
Seems okay to me, but what do I know? I just a proctologist.
So, what can you do about shutting him up? Do braces help with that? I mean, he talks a lot. What? All I want is a little peace and quiet! Sheesh, you’re worst than the milkman.
You know, mam, we could fit a lot of cocaine down this hole here, come back to the states and wait for it to come out…well, you get the picture, don’t ya’, dollface?
Last one, I swear…
“What do you feed this kid, Kool-Aid and Jujubees all day long?”
“Why? Is that bad?”
“You know, if you fired a two million caliber gun, you’d be knocked to Uranus… or you might just bounce right off Uranus.”
Don’t tell me you don’t know where that cavity came from. I see the Snickers you’re hidding in your left hand.
Sarah, I assure you this procedure will go much faster and better if you quit pinching my butt.
You’re right doctor, the dental work in Timmy’s mouth does bear a striking resemblance to a flux capacitor but what would you do with 1 gigawatts of power?
Mrs. Robinson, if you care to wait in the lobby. I will be done with young Benjamin in just a moment.
Next time you wash out Timmy’s mouth with soap I would suggest using less than the entire bar.
It suddenly became clear to Dr. Theregood that he had solved the mystery of why Timmy had bad breath every morning after he napped with his pet chinchilla but how to tell Mrs. Fairweather that those were not raisins that she was looking at.
Taken in that split second when they both realized that they were standing in a pool of drool and Timmy’s latest strand of drool was going to hit the outlet in the floor.
You unlock this door with the key of imagination.
Beyond it is another dimension- a dimension of sound, a dimension of sight, a dimension of mind.
You’re moving into a land of both shadow and substance, of things and ideas.
You’ve just crossed over into . . . the Twilight Zone.
Behold, the power of cheese
Could you stop looking over my shoulder? You’re making me nervous and I might… oh crap.
They all do what I say. Muhahahah. Dance puppet dance!
“This is nothing, you should see the metal brain sucker I used to torture a little girl once.”
She said, “My boy, I think someday
You’ll find a way to make your natural tendencies pay
You’ll be a dentist
You have a talent for causing things pain
Son, be a dentist
People will pay you to be inhumane
Your temperament’s wrong for the priesthood
And teaching would suit you still less
Son, be a dentist
You’ll be a success
-Dang that’s a good musical. 🙂
Mam, I know it’s a hoot at parties, but you’ve got stop using your son as a nutcracker.
Check his teeth for transmitters. That’s where they hide them, you know…the Communists. They did it to that poor Wilkins kid, and his father had to take the child in the back yard and shoot him.
“The hills are alive with the sound of muuuuuusic…”
“Excuse, mam, are you singing? I’m trying to work here.”
“Philistine!”
“Mendicant! Mendicant!”
Dentist: I know this is an inopportune time, but I can’t shake the feeling that we’re just made for each other. Would you like to go out some time?
Woman: Would I?! Would I?!
Dentist: PEG-LEG! PEG-LEG!
It’s a sad, sad life…but not because of anything readily apparent. It’s psychological.
“Now, add the brown sugar and flour and mix like so…”
(in a paranoid, slightly deranged voice)
“This is how it starts you know… first you give the kid a pixie stick… heheheh… and then… and then maybe you don’t see a cavity… so you think ‘whew, that was close’… so the next time he asks for a sweet tart, you think… ‘hmm, maybe that’s not so bad’… heheheh… but wait… maybe there’s a tenderness in… SHHHH… did you hear that? Nevermind… anyway, so maybe there’s a tenderness in one of the teeth, maybe a little aching… heheheh… so you bring him in… I can check… yes, ma’am, do a little checking around in there… check, check, check… heheheh… but wait! There it is!! I SEE IT! DO YOU SEE IT?! A CAVITY!!!!! NO!!!! THEY WON’T LEAVE ME ALONE!!!”
(Gollum voice)
“It swalloweds it! My precioussssss, the nasty man-ling swalloweds my precioussss! But we’ll gets it back, won’tssss we?”
DENTIST: Can I ask you a question?
WOMAN: Sure.
DENTIST: Do I look at all menacing when I look at you like this?
WOMAN: Um, no.
DENTIST: Really are you sure?
WOMAN: Yep.
DENTIST: Hold on, wait, wait. Let me try again. Ok, how’s this? Better?
WOMAN: Um, yeah a little better.
DENTIST: Seriously?
WOMAN: Yeah… sure.
DENTIST: Awesome, I’m totally gonna do that to the nurse during the next appointment.
WOMAN: Um, think we could get a move on here?
DENTIST: Oh of course. Sorry about that. Just the dang nurse makes me mad sometimes, she acts like she knows everything about dentistry and it gets on my nerves. It’s not like I have the degree hanging on my wall or anything. (laughs) You know what I mean?
WOMAN: (fake laugh) Yeah, certainly. Must be frustrating.
DENTIST: Oh it is. It’s like, YES, Nurse Crenshaw, I do know the proper way to set a crown. Heh heh, or YES, Nurse Crenshaw, I do know how to properly remove an infected tooth. Heh, it’s like get off my back, you may have been a dental assistant for 20 some odd years, and I’ve only been a dentist for, what, for like 15 days, but come on… you know?
WOMAN: Yeah…
DENTIST: And it’s not even that I wouldn’t take her advice, because I would. It’s just her whole tone, the way she carries herself… She will get her comeuppance one day, you know? What goes around comes around. KARMA. Now that’s an interesting topic. You believe in karma?
WOMAN: Not really… look…
DENTIST: It’s fascinating really. You figure that everything you do puts some sort of energy into the universe. It can be good energy or bad energy, but whichever you put out there, you get back. It’s so… I just can’t find the words… it’s so REAL.
WOMAN: So are we about done here?
DENTIST: Ahh, I apologize. I sometimes get on these rants where I just can’t stop myself. But I’m gonna have to level with you, I have NOT even looked in your sons mouth this entire time. I probably should, shouldn’t I? (laughs)
WOMAN: Yeah. And he’s not my son.
DENTIST: Oh really?
WOMAN: No, he’s my nephew.
DENTIST: Ah, so are you married?
WOMAN: No.
DENTIST: Oh… I was once. I’d do it again if I found the right woman, but who’s to say there’s a right woman? Am I right? But no, one day my wife… she took the dog and my truck and just disappeared. Divorce papers showed up one day and I signed them and I never saw her again.
WOMAN: How sad.
DENTIST: Yeah, I figured I’d see her at family reunions or SOMETHING. But never again.
WOMAN: Oh, so she stayed close with your family then?
DENTIST: (laughs) Well I should hope so, she was my sister after all.
WOMAN: (gasps)
DENTIST: I know! You’d think after growing up together and knowing each other for so long we’d be able to have a happy marriage, but I guess it wasn’t meant to be.
WOMAN: You’re depraved.
DENTIST: (laughs) I thought you’d say that. Heh heh, no but seriously, I’m not sure what that means. I’ll have to look it up later, but I thank you for the compliment.
So I’m not entirely sure what this was, I just thought I’d freewrite and see how far I could take it. 🙂
“Due to cutbacks in the Empire’s budget, the Death Star was NOT completed on schedule, so I cannot blow up Alderaan to get you to talk, Princess. So I will make you watch while I grab this little boy’s tongue with my forceps. THERE! Now WHERE IS THE LOCATION OF YOUR HIDDEN REBEL BASE?!?”
Pretty woman – check
Laughing gas – check
Mood lighting – check
Time for me to make my move.
I have good news! I just saved a bunch of money on my car insurance by switching to Geico.
I am awfully sorry. I could have sworn Timmy was here for the root canal and that it was the Peterson kid that was here for the routine checkup.
“It’s pronounced MENG-UH-LUH. I graduated from University of Munich. Vhy do you ask??”
“Your eyes are like two shimering pools of floride and you skin is the color of plaque” Plaque plaque? Darn, I can’t believe I just said that. Stupid stupid stupid. My brother was right, I will die alone.
OK that was my last die alone post – I promise.
Not only is he get shiny white teeth, but this sun lamp will him a nice full body tan.
I wish directors would quit making us antogonists look creepily at the protagonists’ love interest early in the movie. I mean noone in the audience is going to be sympathetic to my position, but they will just write me off as a “bad guy”.
My dreams they aren’t as empty as my conscience seems to be …
“Oh sure, a little whitening, some bonding, we’ll have him the hunk of his fourth grade class in no time.”
“No, no, no. If you are going to be a little tea pot short and stout you need to have both a handle a spout. A handle and an odd looking lump on the other side is no good at all!”
The dentists is bad, but at least I don’t have electrodes stuck to my head like my sister.
New outfit from Sears: $51.20
Bottle of Perfume: $37.50
Trip to Beauty Parlor: $40 + tip
Copay for dental visit: $15
Borrowed child from the neighbors: 3 brownies
Taunting the lonely dentist: Priceless
If only that diploma on the wall wasn’t from a sham university I’d know how to help this child! Wait. Did I say that out loud?
…and this one time, at dentists’ camp, we took turns trying to chug mouth wash. It was fun. Ernie went blind, but he said it was totally worth it.
First they laugh at me because of my comment involving two million caliber guns and Uranus, and now they scrutinize me on Heather’s blog.
This is SO not a good week for me.
Lady Please!!! Return to your seat! We’re still trying to figure out how many licks it takes to get to the center of a tootsie-pop.
Say, doc, after you finish piercing his tongue, maybe there’s a couple o’ things you could pierce on me…?
Dentist: I’d like to get you in my chair next if you know what I mean [wink wink].
Lady: Um I can’t say that I do.
Dentist: Yeah I never was good with my double entendres. I actually failed my entendre class in Med School.
That is a beautiful ensamble, I wonder how it would look on me.
Tired of cutting people’s hair for a living, Sweeney Todd finaly decided to change professions.
“See, I told you the whole candy apple would fit.”
“Look, if i pull this dangly thing his ears wiggle.”
“You put your right arm in……”
“It’s unusual, they normally put the pan on their head.”
“So, you actually paid for that haircut?”
“I’ve never played Operation on a live one before.”
“I love playing lucky dip, what do you think, heart, liver or lung?”
“Actually, it’s pronounced Fronkenshteen.”
If you want, after this I can show you my tongue supressor model of Europe. It’s something I like to do in my spare time. I’ve go a scaled model of Big Ben, Windsor Castle, Balmoral, the Eiffel Tower, Notre Dame, St. Paul’s.
But hey, that’s not a chinchilla in your left pocket is it?!
Last time I took someone on a tour of my special place, they dropped a chinchilla in London and the little fur ball gnawed his way under the English Channel and all the way to Paris before I found him. The stinker had the nerve to graffiti “NUNZIO was here! ” everywhere. Took me months to figure out he used his own droppings for a crayon.
Sarah: Have I mentioned that my husband is a lawyer? And yes, doctor, you probably will die alone or with a friend named Bubba.
Helen: Actually, my name is Helen, Timmy is my nephew and I like bald men.
Dentist: But I’m not bald.
Helen: That’s alright. I’ll wait.
Dentist: So what brings you to Australia?
Helen: I moved here from the states, fell in love with the outback and swore I’d never go back to the states. What about you?
Dentist: I came out for some R&R. I actuallly heading back today on Oceanic flight 185.
Helen: Really? Well you should really finish up. You don’t want to miss your flight.
Iggy hated going to the dentist. It wasn’t until 1980 when he wrote “Mr Dynamite” that he was finally able to express his feelings.
Suddenly, as if cued to his mind, the dentist’s P.A. system started playing the Rolling Stones’ “Talkin’ About You.”
But when Karen looked down and saw the foot control at the base of the chair, she stormed out of the office and the dentist died alone.
After Karen stormed out, the dentist hit the foot control again and listening to David Bowie’s “The Loneliest Guy,” while he mopped up Timmy’s drool.
BUT THEN! The dentist saved a talking chinchilla named NUNZIO who was drowning in the catch drain under the counter. After performing mouth to mouth & snout resuscitation, an eternally grateful Nunzio told his story.
Nunzio was vacationing in Australia for 2 weeks when he was chased out of his beach side bungalow by a mis guided hotel maid. It turns out that Nunzio and his family of talking chinchillas lived in the building that housed Argentina’s stock exchange.
Nunzio gave our sad-hearted dentist, exclusive insider information on Argentine cattle and orange futures. In a few months, our billionaire dentist was an Argentinian national happily married to an exotic brazilian beauty of German descent with green eyes and cinammon butter complexion.
When babies! came, Nunzio’s name was remembered and perpetuated for generations. But Sarah, Karen and Helen were remembered . . . NEVER MORE!
“Now, ma’am see right there? That’s where his tongue is supposed to be.”
If you’re so dang smart, why don’t you finish putting on his braces.
Taking advantage of his x-ray vision, the dentist was able to work on an entire family at once.
That’s an awefully big Adam’s Apple she has; I wonder if she used to be a man.
Oh it may look gross, but this tapeworm will help Timmy quickly shed his extra weight.
Woman: So did you always want to be a dentist?
Dentist: Oh yeah, sticking my hand in some random kid’s mouth and scraping plaque off of his oreo-beclad teeth is an absolute dream come true. God how I hate you, your son, and this crummy life.
I am suave and can hit on a woman to the right, but I’ve never been able to go to the left. Dang why’d she have to stand on my left.
“Ms. Johnson, perhaps you’d have a better view from over here.”
This one made me laugh outright: “Look, if i pull this dangly thing his ears wiggle.”
And here’s my contribution:
Dentist: Notice right here… There is a hint of some sort of matter, perhaps some type of, I don’t know… It appears to be, yes, yes it is! Mrs. Brown, what have you been feeding your son?
Mrs. Brown: I don’t know what your talking about, I’ve never heard of anything called Soylent Green…
Sure silver and gold last the longest, but as you have no dental insurance, might I suggest we give Timmy wooden fillings.
“If you spit on me one more time you little brat, by god I’m going to … oh Mrs. Johnson, I didn’t see you there.”
Why are the good ones taken, gay or dentists?
“So Timmy, have you heard the story of the dentists that kills his victims when they are under anestesia and then feeds their remains to his dog? I’m just kidding. So are you ready for your operation now? Rex and I are. Haha just kidding. Or am I. No, really I am. Now count backwards from to and by the time you get to 1, you’ll be kibbel. Kidding – there got you again. Hehehe. Don’t mind me, I always get giddy when I’m about to chop up a patient. Kidding, kidding, just relax. Now start counting.”
“Jimmy, my sources tell me that you’re the one who wrote the answers in the office’s copy of Highlights Magazine? Do you know why it is called the offices copy? That’s right, because I paid for it. Not you. So tell me Jimmy, what can I do to make sure you never do it again.”
“Oh yes Agent Bristow, you may be able to handle torture, but you shall soon see that we have other ways of making you talk. Follow me into my office, I am just about to do a little a little dentist work on your son. Now tell me how you were able to infiltrate our organization?”
So, tell me Doc, if he’s defective, can I take him back?
Ok they are cleaning the boys teeth – I get that, but shouldn’t they be more concerned with the paw the kid stuck up on the table? I mean what is he? Half boy and half dog? Doesn’t the fact that he is turning into a canine seem a bit more important to people than whether he has tartar build up?
To hear my answers goto http://www.mindofsteve.com/Audio/Audio2005/Posts/1045.mp3 or click my name below.