I’m sick. Should it be possible for muscles to feel nauseous? Light hurts, sounds make me want to throw up. I want to sit in the darkness, but this damn post traumatic stress disorder makes me afraid of the dark. I know it’s irrational, and yet the nightmares come and I’m afraid. I’ve been stabbed by a doctor, stalked by a bastard, abused by a boyfriend, misled by so many. I’m mad and I hurt.
I have a disease, one that not many doctors know about. One that leaves me in pain every day. Every inch of my body hurts as it buries itself in excess weight. My pain killers won’t even touch it anymore. I shouldn’t have this disease – I’m not old enough, I don’t fit what little criteria exist for it. There’s a treatment for it, but because it involves plastic surgery I’ve had to battle my insurance and the doctors for a year, trying to convince them that I need it to stay alive. What is it about pulmonary failure that they don’t understand? Why is it that the treatment is there, but I can’t have it? Why does this have to be so hard?
This damn cold. It’s been two weeks. More than two weeks. I’m almost out of antibiotics, it should be gone by now. My body’s a wreck, it can’t even handle a common cold. My room is a disaster because it hurts too much to clean it. I’m only twenty, damn it, this shouldn’t be this hard.
Why does this have to happen? I’ve already given up nearly ten years of my life to this shit, I sacrificed a toe, it was supposed to be over. Why is it that every time I think I’ve gotten better I get hit with something bigger, something worse? My head hurts, why did my brainstem have to be too big? Why did that bastard have to lie when he stabbed me, and why in hell did he have to get away with it? Why can’t someone just pay when they’ve done something that wrong? Why can’t a church even bring their own members to justice when they’ve hurt someone so badly? When they committed a crime? And why does it have to be me?
I’m tired of being nice about it, I’m tired of being the mature one. Damn it, I’m just so tired.
I don’t know what to say, Heather. I feel for you, I really do.
Hang in there, as you always have, and you’ll pull through. God is there for ya… there’s a reason for everything.
You need a hug. *Hugs*
Heather,
Life has surely dealt you with a seemingly unfair set of burdens. And yet… you’ve clearly been also given a great many advantages. A remarkable brain and talent and gift for helping and encouraging and inspiring many youngsters. A home life and parents and siblings that have allowed for some pretty unique schooling and care and help dealing with your health challenges. Trips to Europe. Worldwide recognition. And some pretty remarkable heath care in a country where at least 40% of us go completely without (and I’m guessing not all of your doctors have been as careless or negligent as the guy who stabbed you – an accident BTW, life’s good about dealing all of us accidents from time to time) and no amount of retribution is going to make you feel any better, so better to abandon that train of thought. No, count your blessings (you are 20 and get to drive your very own Beemer every day, how cool is that?). Two weeks is a long time to battle a cold. But consider also how bad it would be if you didn’t have two weeks of sick leave and had to be reporting to some mundane 9-5 job every day, sick or not. So, hang in there, for “this too shall pass”. You are learning a valuable lesson as well; you know how good being the recipient of service feels – hopefully you will provide it to others when you’re feeling better and they aren’t (it feels even better to give service, as you probably already know).
The other lesson is that too many people sacrifice family and health to climg the ladder of (worldly) success, and accumulate a fortune, only to willingly and happily spend it all to try and reclaim lost family and lost health once they realize what the trade has been, and what they’ve lost. It isn’t worth it! And while being stalked and afraid is horrible, consider that at least 1 in 4 women are victims of actual rape and/or physical abuse. You’ve been spared the ugliest side of that at least. Consider volunteering a few nights a month at a local battered women’s shelter. Your gifts communicating with others might go along way to helping both them and you heal.
You are an easy person to love (talent out the wazoo, good looks, etc.); think of all the poor souls out there that have nobody to love them?
Lastly, as the song goes, “Always look at the bright side of life…” (can you hear the music?). Meanwhile, I’m praying for ya (as I’m sure others out there are)! That’s not so bad, is it?
:o)
Heather,
Even though we don’t know one another at all, besides a few emails back and forth…I am sending the most gentle, loving, Snuggles the fabric softener bear-like hug that I can. Just a hug, thats it. *HUG*
Ask not what your body can do for you but what you can do for your body. Change the paradigm to find new solutions.
You have much that you suffer from and much to be grateful for. We, your friends and your family stand ready to assist and ease, to what extent is possible, your suffering but the battle is yours, not ours, to wage.
The real question is what are you going to do with what you have been given? You have, at a young age, already shown incredible fortitude, strength, audacity and perseverence in accomplishing great things when you were sick before. So now you are in round 2 of the same battle. You know the drill. You know the pain. You know. Fight. Fight and pray and hope and struggle and keep on keeping on.
When you finally shed this mortal coil, it will be what you did with what you had that mattered not with how fortunate your circumstance was. You may or may not find consolation in these hugs and words of encouragement but you are no victim, your circumstance is difficult but not impossible, it is not over. You are not alone.
We are here, lean on us. When and where possible, we will carry you. Where we cannot, God will. This you know, this you have lived. Dare to live great again, in small things and small ways. It is not the size of the arena but the fury and resolve of your spirit that will carry the day.
You are in my thoughts, prayers and well-wishes, daily.
Heather you are right to express how you feel – it is so unfair that someone as young as you has suffered so much. When I first read your story, I was impressed that such a young person could survive such a terrible ordeal. I found your story looking for information after a bad intervention on my sons toenail from which he is still recovering and we are all praying. This means I am writing to you from a mothers point of view and believe me, we would rather take your (our childrens) place than watch you suffer, it would be less painful for us. Please dont give up – you are needed. It is unfair, no one can deny that. All illness and misfortune should be banned from children and young people. Let those who have at least tasted life have those things instead (if someone has to have them). We all want your story and our own to have a happy ending – but the only thing we can do is hang in there no matter what. Do that Heather, for everyones sake. We are praying for miracles in every sense of the word.