I’ve been confused lately, wondering what I could possibly write to follow up the previous post. I tried to think of something happy to write, but it just wasn’t coming, and it never felt natural. I tried to find some way to thank everybody who has taken the time to post a comment or send an email, but nothing seems adequate. Except to say that many times your words have brought tears to my eyes as I sensed the warmth and love embrued in every word. I’ve heard many, many times over the past month that people just don’t know what to say. I’ve cried on the phone with friends who were silent for want of an encouraging thought. I’ve kept thinking that nothing would help, that words were useless because as nice as they are, no word or sentence or thought could fix the underlying problem. And therein is the problem – how do you stop tears with words when the pain is still there?
Somehow a few of you have found a few words that have miraculously made some difference, and for that I’m very grateful. But things are still hard and I still don’t know what to do. Lately I’ve been struggling not only with the pain, but with such an insane boredom that I just don’t know what to do about it. Earlier this afternoon I felt on the verge of throwing things because the boredom was just that stifling, and believe me, that’s not like me at all. I don’t think I’ve ever had such an urge to behave so violently. But it’s just so monotonous; I feel locked up and alone in this small room, forgotten, cast aside, and isolated. I try to venture out every so often, but walking for very long makes my legs feel like they’re filling up with lead, and my body’s thermometer is so confused that no matter what the weather, I quickly become enveloped in unbearable heat. The world passes me by, and all its inhabitants rush about their daily lives without me. So here I stay, alone in my refrigerated bedroom, the last priority. I watch movies, I check email, I draw, I watch more movies, I chat online occasionally when I can tolerate a position that allows me to type. Life has been reduced to that and only that. And after months and months of it, I just can’t take it anymore. But what choice do I have? My friends have moved away, and besides, I still can’t stand to wear clothes, so what use is it anyway?
Look at me, aren’t I a downer? Sorry. I just don’t know what else to write. Like I said, anything happy at the moment would just be unnatural, and I don’t want to lie. The situation sucks. Like my friend Andrew said, if he’d been told that his situation would kill someone weaker or older, he’d be “FREAKING OUT.” Yeah, Andrew, that’s pretty much it. The problem is, what to do about it, and what to do to distract myself and alleviate this terrible monotony. But what can I do? I can’t go out yet, my brain’s not functioning enough to do anything constructive, and now I can’t sleep.
Oh just forget it. I give up for now. I’m going to force myself to sleep. At least then I don’t have to think anymore.
Heather. I have been looking for any changes to your Blog since, well, since the last report!! And today, there she was! Sad and weary and not sure what to do with herself. Do you have any recorded books that you can curl up in bed a listen to? Would you like me to lend you our Papillion pup for a while? He’ll keep you on your toes! Perhaps not, as he’d want you to run around and play with him. Actually our older dog, Chico, who is six and very quiet and very relaxed and likes nothing better than to sit quietly on someone’s lap. And he just looks at you lovingly with his dark eyes.
Anyway, I’m sending hugs and kind thoughts your way and hoping your health will improve sooner than later. Dorothy.
PS. When I previewed this note it said it was posted on October 1, but that’s wrong, it’s October 2. I don’t know why you people can’t get your dates right!!
I just had another thought. If an elephant is sitting on you you’ll be nice and flat in no time. Perhaps I’d should look for an elephant to sit on me. I certainly could be flatter!
Dorothy.
Heather,
You don’t know me. I stumbled across your No Toe website which led me here. I’m 38 years old, and I had my left “great toe” amputated on 8/5/06. A blister became infected with a flesh eating bacteria, & it went bad very quickly. I was also diagnosed with diabetes. I spent a month in the hospital and had 2 surgeries. It was total hell…and it continues to be no picnic. I totally understand being sick & tired of being sick & tired.
Your website helped me get a handle on all of the emotions that I was feeling. You ARE an inspiration–even if you are sick of hearing it. Your story has encouraged me to go on. (I also plan on getting one of those fancy toes…but my wound isn’t even closed yet!)
People just don’t know what to say, but they feel like they have to say something. One thing that really ticked me off were the “get well cards” talking about getting on my feet soon…like I needed to be reminded about a part of my body that is no longer there…Anyhow, a dear frend of mine said the following to me at one of my very lowest times (paraphrased): You are on no one’s time schedule but your own. You are grieving, and whether that takes you a day, a week, or years–it is YOUR grief. You wouldn’t expect someone else to “get over it” before they were ready, so why do you expect that of yourself?
Maybe the dreams you had can’t be fufilled. Someday you will have new dreams, but for now mourn/cry/scream do whatever YOU have to do to get through it. If those around you can’t handle it–then that’s their problem. You have great supporters out there, and they will understand. They don’t want to see you suffer and be in pain anymore that you want to be there.
Take care, Heather.
Heather,
If you can handle reading, try one of the 3 Native American fiction books authored early in the 20th Century by Karl Moon: Lost Indian Magic, Painted Moccasin, or Flaming Arrow. Family favorites all, long out of print, but you should be able to get them on inter-library loan (send your mom if you can’t get to the library). They are a rare, simple treat I believe you would very much enjoy.
After that, try something (anything) by Kenneth Roberts (the best historical fiction writer of the 20th Century, IMHO). Start with “Arundel”, and go from there.
If you want a little lighter fare, try Holling Clancy Holling’s “Pagoo”. That one changed my life. You’ll find it among the children’s books, but adults with an eye for art and imagination will love it.
Meanwhile, my prayers are with you. I’m confident you will kick this…
T.J.E.
You could borrow my Chinese textbooks and start learning some mandarin…
Hi Heather…
Just a quick note, keep your head up girl…things will get better soon!!
I noticed from another post up here by Dorothy Karman that she is missing her left big toe too!! Theres more of us out there!!
Heres to 9 toes!
Krystal
Krysta. I’m sorry I appear to have lead you astray. I am not missing any toes.
Krysta-
I’m the one missing my toe.
Cruella
oh sorry!! i misread there!!
Well heres to 9 toes Cruella!!
I’m missing my left big toe as well,…from a similar thing that heather went through!
Krystal