I’m having a bad week. The swelling’s gotten really bad, and one of my docs finally figured out that one of my pain meds can sometimes make people swell, so I have to slowly ween off that pain med. Only problem is, it’s a hefty narcotic, and I’ve become dependent on it, so I’ve been going through some withdrawal issues over the past few days. And on top of that, I hurt really bad. They got me a replacement drug, but I’m not sure it’s really working all that well. I still hurt a LOT, but I’m also sleeping a lot, and having really sucky, scary, stressful dreams, so the sleeping isn’t helping and then I wake up all freaked out. And let me tell you, withdrawal sucks. I don’t know why anyone EVER does this to themselves willingly. It’s terrible. I get shaky, my head’s hurting constantly, my body temperature is even more erratic than usual, sometimes my mind will start racing to the point where everything I hear or see is much faster than it should be, and it’s really scary. It makes my head pound and my heart starts racing to catch up to the speed of my brain, and that makes my chest hurt. And it sucks and I’m tired of it.

    I went to a BMW event today, hoping it would be a fun distraction and that I’d learn some new stuff. For the past week I’ve been slowly adjusting my pill schedule so I could go. It wasn’t as fun as I had hoped because I just ended up hurting really bad. And I didn’t learn anything new cause all they covered was basic cornering. It was good for my Dad – he went with me, and he did really, really well. But getting flung around hurt REALLY bad because of the swelling and because of the heightened sensitivity thanks to the withdrawal. *sigh* I’m sad and disappointed that I didn’t have fun at the event, cause these only happen like once ever three years, so it’s not like I can just go back next week and do it again. Yet again the timing of being sick really sucks. I’m missing out on so much. And it really did my head in trying to muscle that SUV around the track, missing the apexes, knowing that I used to be better than that, I used to be much more precise, but I’ve just been away from it so long that it’s slipping away. I hate it. I’m so tired of this.

    Yeah, I need a toy. I updated my wishlist, by the way. I’m not saying anyone needs to buy me anything, it’s just that mentioning a toy reminded me that I’ve been meaning to mention the wishlist update for about two weeks, but I keep forgetting. Anyway, there’s some funny stuff on there now, like Barbie toys. I’m slowly building a Barbie play house cause my niece is going to come visit in a few months and I thought it’d be fun for her to have a cool Barbie house to play with. And it also gives me a nice simple project to distract myself with in the meantime. But yeah, everyone’s gotten really into building the house, even my nephews, and it’d be fun to have more stuff for it. So yeah, that’s why there’s Barbie stuff on my wishlist – the drugs may be making me crazy, but they aren’t making me THAT crazy.

    I’m going to lay down now.